Its 4 in the morning and I cant sleep thinking about how lifeless I have become this summer, thinking about how different this new school year will be. The first one is always the best its your chance to be someone completely different if you want, meet more people like you and be on your own. No matter what it’s a great experience playing field hockey and lacrosse seem completely useless and a waste of a lot of my freshmen year but I could not regret playing one bit, sure my coach made me go through stages of depression and worked us very hard but very worth it. Made great friends, don't know how many I will be in touch with but it was great while it lasted. Joined a sorority which seems worth every minute but I now have this haunting fear that it's just not going to be as good. I mean it will always be amazing, great parties an amazing bond, and being part of a whole new community of people but the drama the dedication the bitching but I guess all the advantages makes the rest not matter, just have to take it day by day and live in the moment.

Well, I was looking though a photo album that has a lot of memories in it, high school proms, field hockey camp, snowboarding trips, random outings, photo shoots and great great great memories. The one that I found the most touching was a picture of rich and I on the morning after we meet. I love the picture, I don’t look my best but it doesn’t matter because its with him.  That night was amazing; I even have a picture with the girl from down the hall while I was waiting for rich to come I remember how excited and nervous I was. When he first came I remember it being so awkward but then we finally kissed and as soon as our lips met it was perfect.  It was cute both of us passed out for like 2 hours then we got up and watched a movie, we both fell asleep again. When we woke up we just laid and bed and talked all well, afternoon. We took the most amazing shower than laid there as we listened to a CD he had made me I remember it sucking so badly that we had to go our separate ways. But it only got better from there we spent thanksgiving together my first holiday with a boy and his family. Than man so many great weekends…. Then out of no where I don’t know what happened I wish nothing ever did I want nothing more than to be with him, I don’t know why every time I think I’m over him and I talk myself out of him I fall right back for him. I believe I am in love with him if not I was at some point and I am just hanging on to him and his memories because it was the first and only love I have had and the best time of my life.

I know this will peobably not get read but if anyone does read this I would love to hear opinions.